Pretty Kill

Kung Fu Panda is such an awesome film.

I watched Howl's Moving Castle last night and all I could think was:
"Wow. That Howl is such an emo kid".
Prove me wrong, people.

I don't want to be up all night again. It leaves me isolated with nothing but my thoughts for company, and they depress me in the early hours. Sometimes the early hours bring me someone gorgeous to talk to, though our relationship is still complicated. He was my ex-boyfriend's (DICKHEAD!) best friend. Then one day I went to his house and he kissed me. And I allowed it. I took all of the blame, of course. I am noble in that respect and wanted to save their friendship. But part of me wishes I'd just let them crash and burn. One less person for my ex to destroy. Abusive cunt.

Haha.
Can you tell I'm bitter?
Well he broke me. Nothing gave him the right to stick his fat fingers inside me as I slept. Scum. Abuser scum. He is a sexual abuser, and I wish I could turn him to ash. I would go to the police, but I don't want to ever have to be in the same room as him again. I'd rather just leave it. I don't want to be dragged into a drama with him again. Plus, there's the trouble with lack of proof. That's the trouble, you see. He's a saint on the outside, but behind closed doors he tormented me. But he seems to have completely forgotten what he did to me. Somehow me "kissing someone else" (as it is percieved by him, although it was, in fact, his best friend who kissed ME) is worse than robbing somebody of all dignity and respect. Abusing somebody in their sleep is horrible, and I felt so dirty for it. I still do, even though it wasn't my fault. And he knew what my last ex did to me.

Emotionally blackmailing me into having sex with him, threatening to leave me. I was so needy, and he knew that I felt as though I could never live without him (I was 1) an idiotic teenager and 2) weighed down by a hefty depression which tore me to shreds, leaving me in need of having something, somebody, to hold onto).  He knew that if he ever left my depression would completely smother me, and I would more than likely kill myself. So he would pressurise me for sex, and I would say no. Then he would give me the cold shoulder, completely ignoring me, making me feel as though it was all my fault, like I was in the wrong. Tormenting me until I finally gave in and let him use my body to get himself off. Of course, I always blamed myself for this, until somebody else told me that it was wrong, and it was he who was the monster, not I. He was emotionally blackmailing me, raping me in a way I could never truly prove. *Sigh*. I haven't talked to him for years, but obviously I am still cut up about it. But since my last boyfriend abused me too, my hatred for the first abuser has subsided slightly, as my mind focuses all it's hate on the second abuser, and myself, now.

Earlier on, after a lush bath, my blood sugar dropped dramatically. My head felt compressed and my stomach was turned upside down. Sadly in this situation, the only thing I can really do is down Lucozade Original. Which is not the best thing to consume when you feel like you're going to throw your guts up.
I hate having diabetes, so much.
Cure it
Cure it
Cure it
Cure it

I feel disgusting, fat, obese, grotesque..
Just make it all stop, yeah?
Thanks.

"Problems"
I have had an eating disorder for almost a year now, and it really is taking it's toll on my mental health, which was in shards to begin with.
Having suffered from depression from the age of approx' 12, my mind is delicate and fragile, and the slightest thing can tip me over the edge.
I have been an on-and-off self harmer since I was approx' 14/15, though my last self harm was just over 7 months ago. It's very tough, but I'm okay.
I think part of the reason that I was able to give up self harm successfully is that my eating disorder is a form of self harm, also.
I have been sexually/emotionally abused by BOTH (yes, BOTH) of my "serious" boyfriends (i.e. official relationships in which I have been sexually active).
This has taken a huge toll on my life, and is part of the reason I no longer wish to be in a relationship (for the time being, anyway).
The other reason is that I believe I have to get my problems, and most importantly my self destructive patterns, sorted out because it hurts other people.
I have been told that for this, I am noble. I think I'm just smart.
I do have a "fuck buddy" at the moment, who is also one of my closest friends (and the big brother of my on again, off again, enemy).
But sometimes it's too complicated, as the boundary line is unclear. It's tough to define relationship behaviour from friendship behaviour.
I have been on a never ending waiting list to see a psychologist for approximately 7 months now, and I'm beginning to give up hope.
I am still unsure as to whether to bring up my eating disorder when I eventually do get an appointment. I want to be left to my own devices.
It's my body, my choice; It may be hell, but it's part of me and who I am now.
I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 when I was 10 years old, which makes handling my eating disorder so much more difficult.
I smoke an unimaginable amount of marijuana, and I will also do other drugs as long as I feel completely safe.