I want sex, now.
Posts archive for: 24 September, 2008
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Butterfly honey
@ 2008-09-24 – 22:09:49
"Sleep"
Recently I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. Last night, or should I say this morning, I got three hours shut eye, from 10am to 1pm. Any time I do sleep it is in the daytime. I seem to be allergic to sleeping at night. The night is my friend, and I feel at home when consumed by it. A certain familiarity, if you will. Though I still feel terrible whenever I sleep away the day."The Average Week"
My average week never used to be eventful. Even when I was going to school (which I despised) I would only go approximately 2 times a week, and spend the rest of the time sleeping until at least 5pm. Now my week is more active. Monday: TAG, a program for those with mental difficulties/problems, which helps people get the skills to go out and get work. Tuesday: TAG again. Wednesday: Higher English class, 5pm - 7:30pm. Thursday: Free. Friday: Work at my best friend's parent's house, as the web site manager for their bed and breakfast/self catering web site. Saturday: Free. Sunday: Free.
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The beginning
@ 2008-09-24 – 21:56:09
"The Big Plan"
I don't know what I'm doing. Well, of course I sort of do.
I am studying Higher English, Beginner's Spanish, Start Writing Fiction, Start Writing Poetry and an IT course.
I am studying these things to collect grades and UCAS points so I can go to university and do Theatre Production: Stage Management.
Those are my current goals, That's the "big plan", but I still feel lost and like I don't know what I'm doing. Does that make any sense whatsoever?"Problems"
I have had an eating disorder for almost a year now, and it really is taking it's toll on my mental health, which was in shards to begin with.
Having suffered from depression from the age of approx' 12, my mind is delicate and fragile, and the slightest thing can tip me over the edge.
I have been an on-and-off self harmer since I was approx' 14/15, though my last self harm was just over 7 months ago. It's very tough, but I'm okay.
I think part of the reason that I was able to give up self harm successfully is that my eating disorder is a form of self harm, also.
I have been sexually/emotionally abused by BOTH (yes, BOTH) of my "serious" boyfriends (i.e. official relationships in which I have been sexually active).
This has taken a huge toll on my life, and is part of the reason I no longer wish to be in a relationship (for the time being, anyway).
The other reason is that I believe I have to get my problems, and most importantly my self destructive patterns, sorted out because it hurts other people.
I have been told that for this, I am noble. I think I'm just smart.
I do have a "fuck buddy" at the moment, who is also one of my closest friends (and the big brother of my on again, off again, enemy).
But sometimes it's too complicated, as the boundary line is unclear. It's tough to define relationship behaviour from friendship behaviour.
I have been on a never ending waiting list to see a psychologist for approximately 7 months now, and I'm beginning to give up hope.
I am still unsure as to whether to bring up my eating disorder when I eventually do get an appointment. I want to be left to my own devices.
It's my body, my choice; It may be hell, but it's part of me and who I am now.
I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 when I was 10 years old, which makes handling my eating disorder so much more difficult.
I smoke an unimaginable amount of marijuana, and I will also do other drugs as long as I feel completely safe.x-